I find myself in a strange conundrum.

I am not broke.

But would never be called the world’s greatest saver.

But pretty soon my finances will be tangled with someone else’s and I have to confront this strange relationship to money that I’ve had since graduating from college…and that has only been exacerbated after recent doctor’s appointments (important to note again: no one has told me I am in perilous health. I just always assume I am in perilous health, which yes, I know, is a problem. Especially if “The Secret” isn’t total BS).

But anyway. I just have trouble saving money because no one can tell me I’ll definitely be alive more than two years down the line. And I guess that’s true of anyone. But I feel it very hard.

I feel as though I cannot take my money with me, and if I want little “goldfish-in-a-plastic-bag” earrings, I should 100% buy them, which I did. I could at least wear them in my casket (note: I would like a green burial. You can really just wrap me in a pashmina and put me out with vegetables).

But you can’t wear a 401k to the great beyond.

And like, until I met Matt, I wasn’t responsible for much. I made sure I had rent and money for bills. And now I make sure I have enough for mortgage and other crap.

But I haven’t really had to think about who I might need to take care of were I to leave them behind.

And I get a little irritated thinking about it, too: like, why should I save money for my retirement if my chance of living to retirement age is less than the average bear? If I have a child, of course I want to leave them money. And I want to make sure Matt is comfortable and doesn’t drown in the mortgage.

But you are just hard-pressed to get me to care about saving shit tons of money for my future when I can’t confidently see a future past maybe the next year.

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about, especially as this is AYA Cancer Awareness (Adolescent and Young Adult).

I know doctors have to tell us all about the horrible things that could happen to us…but what about TRULY TELLING US ways to better our lives and possibly extend them besides “y’know, diet and exercise!”

Like, c’mon. You love to give me the specifics on what might kill me as a cancer survivor, but what about what might save me? Besides what you would tell everyone else? I am not everyone else.

And yeah. I know there may not be much that you can say would CERTAINLY help me. But there has to be something you can say…

I think that’s why I’ve been feeling so wish washy lately.

After my January oncology visit, I feel completely out of control. Like I can keep exercising and working towards a healthier overall diet…but ultimately, it feels like there’s nothing I can do to really feel like I’m truly helping my chances of survival. Besides removing my breasts and ovaries. And after the wedding, I will definitely be looking into breast removal and reconstruction.

SO ok. Diet, exercise, and carve up your body and organs. You got anything better?

Definitely a mindset I need to work on breaking out of. And I am. But I really wish we, as cancer survivors, were given a few more tools for survival.

Anyway. Puppies help. I was so nervous about taking on another pup, but I love my little Barnaby Jones. Here we are on our lunch break yesterday: